Wednesday, May 12, 2010


I woke a little bit earlier this morning (and it was all me not my darling Max- missing him already BTW), followed by the usual routine and skipped the cup of capp. to opt for half a caffeine pill (w/ a capri sun & 1 blueberry poptart i stole from my husband's stash). And as I started my daily "click"fest I came upon some article about old marriage rules you can break... please view it here
So I feel drawn to post my ideas and opinions on the matter. Not b/c I'm perfect, or have a perfect marriage or feel as though i'm overly entitled expert with all of nearly 6 years experience. I am who I am, I supposed it took all of my 27 years to mold me into the person I am today, with all those good and bad experiences to have produced the product of ME. I think I'm really one of the lucky ones when it comes to marriage. It's hard to put into words but the way I came to be married is not something I recommend to others. Not to say that my marriage is a failure, not at all, it is great but i feel as though God was more involved. I think he blessed me and my husband and i can't say how or why but it worked or is working til this day. For those of you who read my occasionally drawn out posts that don't know me IRL, I dated my husband all of 4 months before we said "I Do" and no, we didn't grow up knowing each other all of our lives but we are almost married 6 years and i think we've got what it takes to go the distance....that said... here is my thoughts on marriage
My opinions on the article i mentioned....
1st- I disagreed. Don't go to bed angry if it all possible. For me, i can't sleep when I'm angry and end up taking medications, but really if the problem can be hashed out in a reasonable about of time then please sort it out before going to bed and letting the responsibilities and distracts of life draw it out to a longer and larger ordeal (i understand that somethings might be too "big" for a little old conversation and kiss nighty night- that's the exception).
2nd- Sort of Agree. Honestly in Life is important, period. But we all know that the lines concerning honesty and kindness vs honesty and hurtfulness are somewhat blurred. God says to be kind to one another, so be kind. If your spouse asks if they look fat, maybe they do but don't say yes hon drop 10 #'s & ask me later! So my stance, be honest as much as possible but when the honest answer would be taken as hurtful then evaluate it, can i put the answer in a more kinder way? is this something insignificant therefore a small lie used to be kind (that can't cause damages) be used? Be gingerly about it!
3rd- basically agree. Although every marriage is different, even the Mr and Mrs Duggar have been separated by one of them going on a trip (El Salvador). But this really goes beyond vacations for me, couples had lives before they met, before they dated, before they married; so they should- to some degree- still have a live. I think people need a full circle of relationships and therefore need more than just 1 person to feed them all the social interaction of life. So yes, having a girls night or maybe a girls weekend "should" be ok so as your marriage is in good shape (it isn't an excuse to escape a problem and there is no need of one spouse to be worried the other might partake in activities that would harm the marriage- if u understand me). Of course I think money plays a big role (ex: if u can take 5 vacations a year, sure 1 w/o the family wouldn't hurt, but if u have only one to take and it is w/o the husband or family...sounds like something is wrong?)
4th - Agree. We can always agree on everything with everyone and if we do, it's more likely we are trying to please everyone like a robot that has no personal thoughts, views, or opinions on ANYTHING! But there might a point in time where the one needs to evaluate the fighting, fighting all the time is not healthy and should set off alarms in the brain that something is off in the marriage- get counseling and see if it can be worked out so there is less overall fighting.
5th- somewhat agree. Let's face it, by now we should all know that our kids learn from us. They are more impacted by our actions in life than our words, so if you smoke but tell them not to smoke it's bad... don't be sent into traumatic shock when u catch them smoking.... Kids should, to degree, be the main priority in life. If you're in a bad marriage, don't stick with it for the kids, they'll be more screwed up watching mommy and daddy fight it out every night or worse, than if u just leave. But that doesn't mean should neglect a good marriage because your kids are abusing the unconditional love thing. Kids are not adults but are smart, some are so smart that they are rather than list 10 examples- this one should be evaluated based on individual situation.
6th- agree. But why are you sleeping apart? That is the golden question, if your spouse is snoring so loud that you barely get any sleep, then ok. If it is more of an emotional issue, like problems in the marriage then creating physical distance might create more emotional distance in the marriage; therefore, causing more harm and one might just be walking down that road to street called DIVORCE. Beware of the reasons.
7th- Agree! Spending time together with my husband is great and at times my smile might be bigger because of it. But neither one of us should give up the hobbies we enjoy (so long as they don't put additional stresses on the relationship, like finances or used as excuses to not spend time together). I like what i like, he likes what he likes, and we like what we like. It works out! I think it makes for a good balance.
8th- Agree! It it were all sparks or nothing then how did so many people end up married? lol The vows are not "Sparks do us part". Marriage is about Love, Trust, & Commitment. The last one is truly an act of love; I'll be faithfully yours until we die, through illness, through problems, through whatever life brings us. Too many people get married w/o even listening or applying those vows or understanding exactly what they are doing. If it is too much for you then just stay single and date your spouse. (although it doesn't mean stay in a bad unhealthy marriage or risk your life to stay true the vows, obviously!)
9th- Agree. Life, not just marriage, has ups, downs, and crazy turns! Sometimes we plateau, is that so bad? But don't mistake this as a gap between the couple that grows with distance. Go on a date and be thankful!
10th- Agree. It's like the ups and downs theory. We have go through phases and changes and all that jazz, what is important is communication. Don't avoid the conversation about this or any other topic. And don't use sex as tool in marriage, that is not what it was intended for. So if you can't be open, honest, & communicate then you might have more problems. You'll also need that kindness and understanding thing too. That is if you truly have love for each other and commitment to your marriage....
I think too many people rush into marriage when they really shouldn't even be considering it. Therefore they eventually realize they made a mistake and raise the divorce rate by a notch. I'm not saying divorce is wrong, it has a time & place surely. But maybe people use marriage has a tool sometimes, a band aid, a distraction from the real issues going on. If it isn't working out when you're dating, marriage is not magic fairy dust to solve all problems and "they lived happily ever after". Sometimes one needs to step outside there body and really take a look at what is going on, if you dated and broke up and dated and broke up and then dated and got married, now your headed to divorce...maybe you should have seen this coming? (no offense)

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